RELAX!!!!

Luke 12:29  The Message
What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not to be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving.

This was part of the message today. It still has me bumfuzzled. See, I DON'T relax very well. There is just too much to do. Surely you understand, there is landry to do, meals to cook, dishes to do. I have to work and I have a family, we have small group, we have friends (yes, I have friends) and my sweet hubby and I try to find time to spend together, usually Friday night is date night. I have to find time to exercise and time to catch up with everyone on facebook, of course!

On top of all of this, I am an organizer, so not only do I have to do all of these things, I have to GET READY to do all of these things. You know, I have to sort the laundry, make my meal plan, wash the dishes so they can be sanitized in the dishwasher. I have to spend at least 30 minutes every night getting "ready" for work the next day. If I can't organize, I guarantee, I can make a list about it! I live by my lists, notes and reminders on my phone.

So, exactly how do I relax when there is so much I need to do.

The problem with blogging, 'I' is always capitalized, so "I" don't know how to emphasize that "I" am realizing that "I" am depending on myself to get all these things done and actually, "I" am not even sure these things are all necessary. 'I' am working my tail off trying to be as close to perfect as 'I' could possibly be and 'I' am failing miserably!

So I read Luke 12:21-30, I have to admit, it is a toughy. I am generally pretty hard on myself. I don't usually like what I see in the mirror, I have a bad case of the "if only's". You know, "if only" I could lose 30-40 more pounds, "if only" I were taller, "if only" I wasn't looking so old, "if only" my eyes were more blue, "if only" I had beautiful. straight hair. I could go on and on, I think alot of us could.

I see in verse 24 about the ravens, which are ugly, nastly birds actually, but they are "carefree in the care of God". Then, in verse 27-28, I read about the wildflowers, most never even seen, but are all so beautiful even though they don't fuss over their appearance. God will attend to me, take pride in me and do his best for me.

It all sounds so simple but my brain is already going, BUT......

So, in verse 31, it becomes more clear. "Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met".

Not only my needs but my human concerns. I will have to think about this one. My human concerns, does God understand how my brain works? Is He sure he wants to handle all my 'human concerns'? This is one of those things that will keep me up at night. Trying to figure this all out. See, this is how my brain works, I have to try to figure it out and totally understand it. In the end, I know I will simply throw my hands in the air and say to God, "the only thing I can do is assume you know what you are doing". He will then have me exactly where He wants me, totally trusting Him.

Today, I pray that it will not take me long to get to the point I just trust God to attend to me, take pride in me and do His best for me. I pray I stop playing the "if only" game and know that, even though I am not a size 3, God sees me as beautiful. I pray that my "human concerns" are for my fellow humans and not just for myself. I pray that I can "be generous and give to the poor". This is when I feel the presence of God most in my life, I think this may just be what God has called me to do, help make a difference for those less fortunate. Thank you God for that blessing! Today I pray I can relax and respnd to God's giving!

What would it take?

Why can't you see what is waiting for you if you just open your heart. All you have to do is be willing to ask. When can you take the time to find out what it is that has some people all amped. It is so simple. Just let God's grace make you over!

You know, all the "christians", they have it all figured out. They keep their "happy face" on at all times, they have no worries. They go to church every day. When asked, they smile and say, "we are just fine".

People are singing songs about it, why can't you understand. The preacher is preaching and the christians are smiling. Why can't you see? When will you care?

I am preaching, I am smiling, I have it all figured out. Why can't you see? When will you care? I know some bible verses and I know all about grace and mercy. When will I accept it?

What will it take. If all the good Christians preach at you about your clothes and your tattoos and your inappropriate behavior and your children born out of wedlock and your smoking and drinking and your bad decisions and your past relationships and your pre-marital sex and all the times you put everything before Jesus. If they preach loud enough, if they hit you over the head with that bible enough times, will you get it? Will you understand? Or will you turn and run away, hoping to never be like "them"?

How about some brutal honesty. What if I tell you how broken I am and about the horrible decisions I have made in the past, about lies I've told, pre-marital sex that cost so many so much, about smoking and drinking and drugs, ways to self medicate after years of abuse and self hatred, about tattoos that I love and more I will probably get, about raising my boys without teaching them who Jesus is, about living my adult life as a non-believer. If I told you all of these things and told you this was barely scratching the surface, then would you get it. Would you understand? Would you be interested.

Would you accept God's grace and understand there is nothing you can do that will make Him love you any less? He knows all your secrets and he loves you. He wants to show you nothing but kindness even though he knows everything about you. Would you want to know more? Would you fall to your knees and confess. Would you live your life differently?

If you let Him get hold of you, I can almost guarantee you would. As hard as I fought it, I did. I am a different person and I pray every day to become more different. I just want to be content in life and knowing that Jesus is mine. He is my saviour and He is my love. He is the only one I actually need. He will see that my needs are met. He knows all I think and feel and He will take care of my heart. He would never hurt me and He will be there to pick me up when life knocks me down.

Just thinking, I never, ever measured up to the "good christians" at church but, guess what, Jesus DOES NOT CARE. He wants me, honest and broken. He wants me to share that honesty and he wants me to shine His light. He wants me to shine that light so brightly that someone will be curious. This is what I want to do. I don't want to preach or thump my bible, I just want you to see how broken and battered I am and know that Jesus loves me. Honest truth is, if you know how screwed up I am and realize He still loves me, that could be very powerful. As much as people will judge you, I guarantee He will love you, all you have to do is ask!

I came across this verse the other night and it just won't leave me alone.

Psalm 119: 174 - 176    The Message

I'm homesick God, for your salvation. I love it when you show yourself. Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well. Use your decrees to put iron in my soul. And, should I wonder off, like a lost sheep - seek me! I'll recognize the sound of your voice. A pilgrim song.

I love when I open my bible and something speaks to me so loudly. The writer of this psalm must have been thinking about me, must have known me personally. This is ME!

Some days, I am so very homesick for God's salvation and when I slow down enough and can manage to be quiet, I do so love it when God shows himself. He takes me by surprise so often and I can't sing his praises loud enough. He knows just when I need encouragement. He also knows when I am wondering, when I am not listening, when I am being a disobedient child. Then he calls my name, he gets my attention and yes, I do recognize the sound of his voice. Then I remember He only wants what is best for me, He has a plan for me and wants me to get back on track.

I love when I actually realize that God does not need me but He loves me and yearns for me. Loves me unconditionally and just wants me to be His!

God, I am yours and I am so thankful that you waited for me, that you sought me when I was that sheep that was so terribly lost! I love the sound of your voice and I love you.

I'm Fine!!!!

How many times in my life have I answered the question, "are you okay?" with "I'M FINE". I did it just today. What exactly do I think that accomplishes? If someone asks the question, do I not owe them some sort of a truthful answer. Even if it is just, "I don't know" or "no, actually, I am not". What would be wrong with saying those things?

Well, I don't know about anyone else but there are a couple of reasons I can think of that cause me to spew "I'M FINE"! One, I sure would hate it if anyone knew I might have feelings or a weakness or worse yet, emotions. Two, I struggle with anger and if I answer that question honestly, then I just might blow a gasket. I never really learned how to "use my words". Ha, that is what all my grandkids get told when they aren't making any sense with their gibberish, you know, when they are trying so hard to tattle but just keep stammering over their words or when they just cry or whine and point.

It just dawned on me, I act the EXACT same way when someone asks me what's wrong. I act like one of my grandkids when things aren't going their way and they just don't know how to express what is wrong. Difference is, I am not a child! I should be able to be honest!

That would require me being honest with myself. That sucks, just in case you were wondering how I feel about it! I would rather run miles upon miles than be honest with myself. Why is that? When I know what I am, when I know who I am, why am I so afraid of just admitting it to myself. I guess because I know who I am and I know what I am. I can't imagine anyone understanding me much less wanting to be with me. I am complicated, I am simple, I am deep, I am shallow, I am so many different things, I can't even understand me most of the time!

So, my answer is, I AM FINE! That makes it all okay. That should make anyone quit asking questions. Problem is, it doens't make me believe it. It also doens't make God leave me alone, He is constantly there, asking me "what's wrong"?

Why can't I get it? God knows who I am and God knows what I am and yet, He still wants to know, "what's wrong"? Could it be because He knows everything about me and sees no wrong. Even though he sees every scar, every hurt, every tear, every hateful, hurtful thing there is to see about me, He can't understand why I feel like there is something wrong. He keeps no records, He just loves me.

I will still constantly try to figure out my own emotions. I will always try to come across as the strong chick, the one with no worries or concerns. I will always be afraid of things going bad but am getting better at just letting things be what they are. I am also trying harder to see myself through God's eyes more often and not through the eyes that are so terribly scarred by my past.

What's wrong? Actually, nothing, I am fine. Just ask God!

I've Never Been To Jail!

Wow. tonight I am thinking about going to jail. I hope this doesn't happen but I am fully prepared for it if it does. Let me guess, you just want to know what I've done? If you know me very well, you are probably imagining ALOT of things that could send me to jail.

Well, I haven't done anything yet. I am hoping I don't have to do anything! If you have been reading any of my facebook posts or some of the blogs I have written, you know I am passionate about our homeless community. Tomorrow morning at 7:30, our city council will present two city ordinances that essentially make it illegal to be homeless.

I don't really know where this thinking comes from or how it makes any sense, but that is where we are. I am praying that the ordinances are tabled and we are given an opportunity and time to come up with solutions. I am praying the council will see that there is no way to come up with a solution unless they are willing to zone a building for a shelter. I am praying alot of things just finally come together and we will all find it in us to do the right thing.

I am praying for all of these things but am fully prepared for the council to be a little more stubborn than this. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst I suppose!

THis passage speaks volumes to me about being homeless!
1 Corinthians 10 - 12  The Message

 ^9-13It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.

There is something moving in me, actually, it is past moving, it is literally churning inside me. My heart knows without a doubt that I am supposed to make a difference. I am praying for direction and guidance and I do believe I will get it, but I will make plenty of mistakes trying to get it all right. As of now, the only thing I know to do is support my friends that are less fortunate. I will do that by being fighting city hall, by providing for whatever needs I can provide for and by participating in a non-violent protest that may actually get me thrown in jail. I'm okay with that because I know God is using everything for good. I will do my best to feed Him when He is hungry and give Him a place to lay his head when He is homeless. I will do that through people like Carey, Jack, Red, JP, Luis, and so on. That's what I will be doing, protesting the inhumanity of telling someone they are not allowed to sleep, anywhere.

PLEASE READ!!!!!

I suppose I am writing this simply because I don't know what else to do. I have cried, I have vented and I am PISSED!!!!

I received in my e-mail today a copy of the ordinances to be discussed at the city council meeting this Thursday. It seems the City of Lubbock is going to make it illegal to be homeless.

I understand that the majority of people believe the homeless community are not exactly the most beautiful people in town. They wear tattered clothes, they suffer from addictions and mental illmess. They panhandle for money and they urinate in public. I suppose this is just too much for some people to handle.

My husband and I have been involved with the homeless community for about three years now. we have volunteered at the prayer vigil, we have a monday night bible study and we take food to the library on occasion. We provide sleeping bags to as many people as we can and we are truly blessed by the friends we have made. The church we attend has set aside part of their missions budget to help with our passion. We have loads of friends that are right there in the trenches with us.

I realize the general concensus is that these people are all "bums" and the will never amount to anything. Let me tell you, alot of the homeless are there simply because they have hit bottom and are trying to climb back upl. We know of men who were at the prayer vigil because after they paid their child support, there was no money for rent. A dear friend worked as an electronics technician for over 30 years at the same company. He lost his sight and lost his job. He is one of the kindest people I have ever known and he is truly a minister to the homeless community. Another friend is mentally disabled but he works at Gardsky's as a bus boy. Could you pay rent and utilities on a bus boys salary? These people are just that, PEOPLE. How can our city build a huge, new jail to house criminals and spend millions of dollars to assure stray animals have shelter but leave our brothers and sisters to freeze to death?

Imagine, just for a moment, you have no clothes, except for the ones you have on your back. Imagine suffering from bi-polar disorder or anxiety or even high blood pressure or diabetes, and not being able to get your medications. Imagine not having money to even buy a burger off the dollar menu. Imagine the humiliation of having to urinate in public because you have no place else to go. Imagine not being able to shower or brush your teeth. Exactly how do you go to a job interview? Imagine the only place you have to lay your head at night is on the pavement at the Mahon Library. Hopefully with a sleeping bad to keep you warm. Maybe your belly is full but quite possibly, it is empty and you have no idea when it will be full again. If you could possibly imagine these things happening to you, just think how horrible your days would be and how frightening your nights would be. If you could possibly imagine this homeless person being a loved one, then would you be willing to do something. Would you be willing to force the city to stand up and lend a hand?


Is there NOTHING we can do?

Can't I Just Fix It?

God did not give me the kind of mind to come up with solutions to problems. Now, He made me a good worker bee but just not a very creative problem solver,

I am sitting here while my sweet hubby is watching the football game and I look up and see all these big, burly football players wearing pink. Completely blows me away. They are all wearing pink. Gobs and gobs of people run every year for breast cancer, tons of companies support and donate millions of dollars to breast cancer. All of this because Susan G. Komen's sister promised her she would make a difference. Wow, has she ever made a difference and her sis is looking down and so very proud of her.

There is so much going on in our lives right now, so much I am actually losing sleep over. I want to fix my brother in law, who after not one, not two but three heart attacks is struggling through recovery and rehab. I want to fix his boys who have spent so many days and nights refusing to leave the hospital and have had to deal with way more than any sons should have to deal with. I want to fix their beautiful wives who have just stepped up to the plate and taken care of the families so their hubbies could be with their dad. I want to fix the chaos that has seemed to surround everyone, sometimes so much so that the truth has been hard to see.

I want to fix our homeless situation. I want desperately to be able to come up with a solution for a shelter. The city council will meet again this Thursday and it seems they will pass the ordinances to make it illegal to be around the civic center or Mahon library between midnight and 5:00 a.m. Doesn't really sound like a big deal except, since there is no shelter in Lubbock, these are the only two places with awnings to at least allow our homeless friends to stay out of the rain and snow. The city says the homeless problem is not their problem. Funny, I thought citizens of Lubbock were all the responsibility of the city council.

I love all of these people, but I can't seem to figure out a way to fix any of their problems. See, this bothers me because, I like to fix things! I need to fix things. I NEED to find a way for my brother in law to go home and be safe and not hassled or harassed. I NEED to figure out a way to get a shelter here in Lubbock, I NEED to figure out how to articulate my thoughts in a way that people in power will listen. I NEED to know that my friends will not freeze to death this winter because I couldn't come up with an idea.

I NEED your help, all of you, anyone with any ideas. Please, all ideas will be so appreciated. If you are like me, and a much better worker bee than an idea person, I NEED your prayers. We can all pray. We can pray for all of the people I have mentioned and for those others we know who are in need of prayer. Maybe you have a loved one in a bad relationship or struggling with addiction or maybe, just maybe, you know someone who is homeless. Maybe you know someone who is being manipulated and deceived and you just want to see this person open their eyes. Maybe someones marriage is in trouble, maybe your marriage is in trouble. Maybe someones kids are stumbling or have just decided not to even try and walk a steady path. Maybe someone's past just continues to haunt them, like mine does.

God, today I thank you for every person who reads this and takes a moment to have a talk with you. I pray for marriages, families and our homeless brothers and sisters. I pray for compassion from our city council and I pray for a solution for shelter to come to the forefront very soon. I pray that everyone who reads this be overwhelmed with the realization of freedom they have in you. This freedom will allow us all to put our past behind us and leave it there. Once we can do that, maybe we can concentrate more on the future and what we can do to shine your light for others!

Daddy's Girl - NOT!!!

I remember when I was a little girl, my dad was pretty much my hero. He used to sit and play dominoes with my papaw and I remember him taking me hiking up the mountain when we lived in Idaho. I remember............. Wait, I don't really have any more good memories. He left when I was five. I have a few more memories, but not good ones. I remember he drank alot and I remember sitting at the front window waiting on him when he never showed up.

My dad, the man that loves me unconditionally, the man I could never disappoint enough to make him stop loving me. This is the model I had of a husband. This is the man who taught me how a woman should be treated. This is the man who taught me what was most important in life. See, for my natural father, liquor was the most important thing in his life, actually, I think it still is.
Guess what, this man does not love me unconditionally, he actually has said he hates me because I am too much like my mother. Funny thing is, I don't know who he expects me to be like, as I said before, he left when I was 5 years old and was not a very big part of my life. He says I am like my mom, like that's a bad thing, when it is actually a HUGE compliment. My mom is my hero!

I found myself trying desperately to make an alcoholic love me. Not such a good plan, go figure! Even though I knew there was no hope of being more important than the bottle, I still tried. I cried, begged, left, divorced, remarried and cried some more. Listened to lots of empty promises of quitting and my expectations on how I deserved to be treated were not nearly high enough. I thought I was going to change this man, I was sure as hell going to try. He was going to wake up one morning and decide I was more important than the alcohol. Guess what, never happened! Never would have, no matter how long I stayed.

So, my father didn't love me, the man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, no matter what I did, this is the man that hates me. My husband didn't love me, only enjoyed the fact that his house was clean, his clothes were clean and I brought in a decent paycheck. Well, let me guess, God must not love me either! No God would allow this to happen, right? Exactly what was I worth anyway? Why would God want to love me?

We can sure screw up our lives by trying to make people into the who we want them to be. If a man drinks like a fish while you are dating, chances are he is not going to stop after you marry him. It will probably get worse and then the hitting may start. It can be your dad or your husband or your boyfriend, doesn't really matter, YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE!

I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be important. I wanted to matter more than a beer. Was this really too much to ask? I tried to stay thin, pretended my life was perfect. I tried to dress right and say the right things. I knew if I could just keep the house clean enough or cook the perfect meal, he would love me. My self worth was wrapped up in these men. My father and my husband. Why could they not love me?

Looking back, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were harmful to ME. I allowed my father to hurt my feelings over and over again. I allowed my husband to treat me poorly. I allowed this. I have accepted it. In no way does it mean I deserved this, it just means, because of my bad decisions, this went on much longer than necessary so my self esteem and pride took a beating for much longer than necessary. I just wanted these men to change!

I don't really know what happened. Somehow, God got hold of me and began to work away. Oh, let me tell you, I didn't make it easy for Him. I was not even convinced he existed and I was testing Him each and every day. He just kept on working! He started changing me. He surrounded me with Godly people and He brought me a strength I never imagined I had inside me. He started changing my heart and, because of that, I was able to see myself differently.

I am not anywhere close to being the person God has created me to be. The difference is, I am at least listening to Him more and I am definitely leaning on Him more. I am trying to allow Him to soften my heart and because of that, I have been able to begin the process of forgiveness.

These men have no hold on me anymore, I don't hate them, I don't even wish them bad. They don't consume my thoughts anymore. I hate that I wasted so much time on them but, I have no regrets. If any one day of my life had changed, I would not be where I am today. I may not have tried so desperately tried to find someone to love me, unconditionally. I may not have figured out that God loves me unconditionally, and He always will. This realization changed my life and continues to change me every day!

My prayer is to find that new Christian, the one that couldn't get enough information, that couldn't read enough or hear enough. The one that couldn't wait to hear a new message. The one that was a "spiritual sponge". I want her back again. I don't like being stagnate in my faith !

Love Turned To Hate

I came across this tonight. I wrote in several years ago, when I had nowhere to go except to my paper with my pen. I used to write almost every night, it was the only thing that kept me sane. This was during the time I didn't believe in God so I most definately was not spending any time talking with Him.

What do you do
When someone
Takes away
Everything
You believe true?

Your desire to live,
But most of all
The ability to feel
Desired.
Human emotions.

Where do you turn
When your most
Important emotion
Is destroyed,
Terminated

Who could do this awful thing
To another person?
A man can do it,
When he turns love
Into hate

The feelings once felt
In association
With love
Are gone
Maybe for good

What do you do?
Where do you turn?
I don't know
I haven't yet
Figured it out

You want to talk
But want no pity
You want to sleep
Waking to realize
It's a bad dream

Maybe the answer is
The day you forget
Is the day
Nothing else matters
Then the pain stops.

I was in a terribly dark place at the time I wrote this with no hope. I had notbody to talk to, besides, why would I want to tell anyone my life was in shambles?

I am a much different person now. First of all, I have surrounded myself with beautiful friends and God has blessed me with a wonderful family. I now know that God is on my side and, even when people are at their most hateful and hurtful, even when someone hurts me in a way that was unimaginable until I had to go through it, even then, God is on my side.

The old me truly believed if there had been a God, these bad things would never happen. This is why I didn't believe in God. Thankfully, I don't feel this way any longer. I know how God has changed me, I can see the differences in me. Not that the old me doesn't come back occasionally, she does, but I know with God's help, I will just keep getting better.

I had to accept that God could change me. Had to open myself up to the possibility. That was tough. In fact, I didn't think I could do it but then God took over and just did His thing. He knew much better than me who I needed to be. We still go toe to toe regularly, me thinking I know what's best. God just waits patiently for me to surrender and he does exactly what I need.

Once I accepted that for myself, I had to begin to understand that those people who turn love into hate, they just haven't opened themselves up to the possibility of changes that God is just waiting to make in them. In order to extend grace, I first had to accept it and once I accepted it, I had to try and realize that God's grace covers everyone, even that man that took so much from me! I don't know where he is spiritually now but, if he hasn't made any changes yet,  I do know that God is still waiting, just waiting on him to open his heart to the posibility of change!

God, please let my story impact someone who is hurting and hating. Help them see your love through me and know that you love them just the same. You love them in their brokeness and their weakness. You love them always, but especially when they don't think they can love themselves or another again. God, please let them see your love is an all consuming and healing love.

I am such a wus!

My weakness is more evident now than it ever has been. Can I just say, I am not a fan of being weak. I am not able to control most aspects of my life right now. My nightmares keep me from resting. This I have no control over. I have to take these stupid medicines. If I was "strong", I wouldn't need medicine. I cry alot easier these days, and I still struggle with my MG. WEAK! I depend on my sweet hubby for so much, another sign of weakness. 5 years ago, there was NOTHING I couldn't do on my own. These days, he cooks sometimes, he helps with the dishes, he handles the money, he does alot for me. I have no worries about how he is handling things. I know, in the depths of my soul, he is doing what is best for our family. I have no worries but I have given up the responsibilities. This makes me seem weak!

What does God think about me. I really believe He thinks I am weak at times too. I do, it is just my opinion, but I believe He thinks that about all of us! Does He get frustrated with me because I have let my nightmares take control? When I wake up terrified, crying and sometimes swinging at the air. He just wants me to stop and talk to Him. Does He  just want to reach down and bop me  because I struggle with having to take the medicines I am taking right now. Nope, I believe He wants me to stop being so proud and accept help, in whatever form. Does he think I am weak for crying? Absolutely not, He just cries with me, waiting for me to turn to Him with my fears and hurts. Does he think I am weak because I struggle with my MG? No, He simply wants me to know He is there to catch me when I fall. Does He think I am weak for depending on my sweet hubby so much. Of course not, He brought this wonderful man to me, to share my burdens and care for me.

God simply wants me to humble myself and stop being so 'strong'. When I feel strong, I am actually weak, because I am depending on myself, not on God.

Yes, I think God believes I am weak at times. I just don't think I am weak as often as God would like. In those times I am weak, I have totally given up on myself and turned to God and said, I have nothing else, I don't know what else to do. This is the weakness God loves to see in me! These are the times He can really get busy in my life.

My prayer today is to show that my weakness is God's strength.

I just wanna be bread

OK, so this morning, I am driving to work, listening to a little Nicole C. Mullen (whom I love) and just pondering. Let me warn you, my brain is just a little silly. If you know me very well, you won't be surprised at all! Whatever, just try to stay with me, it could be an interesting ride!

OK, Jesus fed the masses with 2 fish and a little bit of bread. This whole concept just blows me away. Exactly how did this happen, I mean, how did it actually look? Did Jesus give a piece of bread to someone and when he reached into the basket, there was just more bread or did each person pull off a piece and it just kind of regenerated. Seriously, like a lizards tail if it gets pulled off, only instantly. Don't really know why that is what I thought of but...

He used that bread and fish and blessed soooooo many people. The people at the end of the line received just as much of a blessing as those first in line. Makes no sense, huh. The bread and the fish asked no questions, they didn't argue, the bread never said, "hey Jesus, sounds like a great plan but I don't know if you can really pull this off so I'm headed back to the bakery and I will bless one or two people. Hope your plan works out but I think I'll stick to my own plan. Yours actually sounds a little crazy! Actually, your plan sounds impossible!

The bread was a blessing and Jesus just kept multiplying the blessing.  Why can't I just be bread? Why can't I stop arguing and fussing and expecting and just BE! Wow, I wonder what Jesus could do with me if I could just BE. If I could trust, there is no telling what Jesus could do through me. How many people would Jesus use me to bless? What am I missing out on right now with all this insanity in my life? More important, what blessings and joy am I stealing away from someone else because I argue and fuss and whine to so much, I can't even hear Jesus when He speaks to me. Why can't I just be the bread, at least sometimes.

Isn't this what Jesus expects of us. To be a blessing to others and allow Him to multiply the blessings. What the heck is it going to take? I love the stories and in my own silly little mind, I have a visual understanding of the concepts. I just can't seem to slow down and just BE.

My prayer today is be able to stop each day and think about how I could be a blessing in someones life. To be quiet and allow God to work in me and through me.

Brave or Crazy?

A sweet friend has said I am "very brave" to say what I feel deep down on here. That cracks me up, I am alot of things but brave is definately not one of them. I do appreciate the compliment though!

See, I am not brave at all, I am convicted, but not brave! God has decided that I need to be honest about my life, good and bad, because it just might help change someone elses life. Can I just say. God and I don't always see eye to eye but He just doesn't give up!

I did not grow up in church. By the time I was an adult, I didn't even believe in God. Seriously convinced myself that, with all the crap I had been through, there must not be a God. Pretty much lived that lie for about 20 years. Never really gave much thought to it, I didn't ponder creation or existance, didn't really wonder about the miracle of birth or the beauty of a sunset. I just didn't care. I knew there was no God. Couldn't be.

About nine years ago, I went to work for Dr. Stephenson. Oh my goodness, he was always talking about God and his church. He asked me about my faith to which I simply answered "I am spiritual".  I didn't think this guy would ever shut up about his God. It was driving me nuts. Then, we would go to the operating rooma nd Dr. Brown was talking about his God. These two were tag teaming me and it was really irritating me at times. I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD!!!! This is what I wanted to scream but just figured it would cause trouble at work and I needed my job. It was my safe place!

Dr. Stephenson never really pushed me, he simply guided me, sometimes stronger than others. He seemed to know when to back off. He would listen to contemporary christian music in the operating room and the strangest thing happened. I found myself humming along. I knew the words to some of the songs. Then I heard "I Can Only Imagine". This was my 'aha' moment. I paid attention to those words and then I started looking for a church. I can't say exactly what it was, my dream voice simply told me to find a family because I was going to need people to lean on and I needed those people to be good, Godly people.

Long story short, I found a church, realized that, for me, church is not just a building I go to on Sunday mornings. Found my sweet hubby, he was the minister at that church. Found a way to begin to be okay with me and my past. Found all of these things through God. That's right, the same God I denied, cursed, hated and completely and totally turned away from. This is the God that was just waiting on me to pay attention so he could bless me more than I ever imagined.

I hope that someone will read my posts, peek into my life and actually understand how bad I screwed up. I hope you see what a disappointment I was, how horrible I was. I hope you see I still screw up every day and, even though, along with being a Jesus follower, I seem to have grown a conscience, I still hurt people, I still do stupid things every day. I don't mean to sometimes and other times, I feel bad after I realize what I have done.

After you see all of my skeletons, when you see all of my scars, I hope you can see how blessed I am. Me, that doesn't deserve half of the blessings I have. Me, the one that screws up every day. What have I ever done to deserve this?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! This is not hard folks. My sweet hubby says it is very simple, but it isn't easy. This is true. Simple and easy are two very different things. In order for something to be easy for me, I have to understand it. I didn't understand God's grace at all. I get that the concept is very simple but it makes no sense.

I had to figure out, in order to extend grace, I had to accept it first. In order to forgive those who had hurt me, I had to forgive myself first. In order to love, I had to learn to be okay with me. There is no way I could do these things on my own. God did this for me, He is still working and I am sure He would appreciate it if I could just get a grip at times. But, like I said earlier, He never gives up.

Brave, not me, I am a littel bonkers. Actually just crazy, that's me!

My prayer today is for the courage to be vulnerable and honest. I pray I can shine God's light so brightly, someone is going to want to know what it is.

Shame, shame, shame

My sweet neice says the difference in guilt and shame is, with guilt, you feel like you have done something wrong. With shame, you feel like you ARE something wrong. To the very core of you, you truly believe there is something horribly wrong about you!

I hate guilt, it keeps me awake at night, affects my appetite, sometimes makes me physically ill. I hate knowing that I have hurt someone, have ruined someones day or have just been a putz about something. I try to come across as this tough as nails, nothing gets under my skin kind of chick. But, guilt, that seriously gets under my skin. I have learned that it is usually pretty easy to deal with guilt, I just have to suck it up and apoligize, from my heart and try to make ammends with the person I have hurt. It seems I always hurt the ones I love. The nice thing about that is, they all know I am a putz, luckily, they all know I can certainly be a dufus and speak before I think. Because they know this, they forgive me, they love me in spite of myself. This is grace, plain and simple.

Shame, now that is something completely different. Shame will make you do some really silly things. You will do just about anything to cover it up, to keep it in the dark. You don't want anyone to know what you are ashamed of. You protect this shameful act with all of your power. If people find out, they will be disappointed. Maybe, they won't love you anymore. You all know this shame I am talking about. Maybe it is the shame of an affair, many years ago, that hurt so many people and you just can't bring yourself to fess up and be honest. Maybe it is the shame of living in an abusive relationship for many years, pretending everything is perfect so nobody realized just how foolish you really are. We all have our own shame. It is certainly not as easy to deal with as guilt, requires so much more than an 'I'm sorry' to get past. Now what? I AM this bad person, what do I do now? Do I only deserve to be with someone that will treat me poorly? Do I deserve to be isolated?  Do I deserve hapiness? Do I deserve forgiveness? Seriously, could anyone ever forgive me? Could I even begin to forgive myself? These are questions I think we have all asked ourselves.

I have a 'dream voice'. I know, most people think it is crazy, I think my sweet hubby did too until he started seeing some evidence of these dreamy conversations. It is simply a conversation in my dreams, I am sitting, listening very intently to 'The Voice". This voice gives me good. solid advice and at times, when I am seriously struggling with something, it helps me clear my mind and just think straight. I can't say what "The Voice" is, maybe while I sleep is the only time I allow my brain to slow down and think. Maybe, just maybe, it is the only time I am still and quiet and God is speaking. Whatever it is, it is very appreciated and I have learned that I should probably listen.

Last night, my dream voice spoke and reminded me of how I covered up so much of my shame with the vision of a perfect life, a perfect marriage and perfect kids. Now, everyone knows my life was totally screwed up, that marriage is over and, although they are very close to perfect to me, my kids have a few issues. I was horribly ashamed of the person I had become. I was ashamed of the way I allowed myself to be treated and ashamed of my own poor decisions. I was a victim of my own choices and truly a slave to my shame. I also realized, through my 'Dream Voice' that someone I love is quite possibly going through the same thing right now. He may truly be a slave to his shame.

Do you know someone that may be living this same life, the life of shame? Maybe you are living this hell yourself right now. How do you get out? How do you help someone out? People, let me tell you, the ONLY way to deal with this emotion is with honesty. Brutal, out in the light honesty. It sucks, big time! It is painful and and the memories of what brought our shame are almost overwhelming. At times, you may think there is no hope, there is no way we deserve to be forgiven. Our shame is just too big! Just breathe and get past this, it will happen over and over again. Not really much to look forward to, huh? Nothing worthwhile is easy, or at least that is what my papaw always told me!

We could live in this world of shame, we can live with all of our regrets and we may even be able to find some sort of peace in it all. I personally don't believe this is what God has planned for us. I think we are supposed to confess, we are supposed to forgive, even ourselves at times, and we are supposed to love.

Those that love you will forgive you and they will still love you. They may be hurt but, chances are, they are hurting already, maybe they just don't understand exactily why. Be honest with yourself, with the ones you love and with God. You and God already know what you are ashamed of and you owe it to the ones you love to be allowed to show grace and mercy while they try to understand. This is how healing begins. You can't be a slave to your shame if your are making an effort to heal. This is how you win over shame, step up to the plate and face it, head on. God is standing right next to you and He is so very proud of you!

My prayer today is to be able to show the kind of love that will make people feel comfortable and safe. To show the love of Christ!

I have really been hit in the face with my past recently. I mean, hit HARD! That sit in the middle of the bed, rocking back and forth, afraid to move because I was convinced the past had come back to hurt me, kind of hard. It's been strange to go through this, I have not been afraid for at least five years, have not really even thought about this crap for a very long time. It started when my sweet hubby was in Amarillo with his brother who was so very ill. I was home alone, stressed, worried and afraid.

My brain can conjure up some of the craziest things. Logically, I know I have three locks on each door and they are all locked. I understand that if anyone is in the house, they aren't going to be hiding in a room waiting for me to come in so they can hurt me. I totally get that I am safe in my own home, even when I am alone. Logically, this is all as it should be, however, this is not how it happened. Sometimes things just don't happen like they should and those things just don't make sense. Sometimes, those things leave terrible scars that may never heal.

Why am I so afraid again. Is it because I never really dealt with these things, because I never faced my fears and fought my demons? Is it because I was home alone? Is it just because I can't handle stress like I used to? What is wrong with me?!?!

OK, I understand I should probably deal with this stuff and that I may even have a slight case of PTSD or something. I know that the things I have been thinking lately are not reasonable. I understand that this kind of stress is no good for me, my marriage or my family. I really do understand what I should be doing, I just can't find my way through the muck to do it.

Being afraid of a big man that has hurt you before is one thing. Those memories can come back and really torment you. This is different.

I think that I have realized, there is one person in our life right now that causes me to freak out. I feel my chest get tight, I have a hard time breathing, I feel VERY anxious and just can't hardly stand to be in the same room with this person. It is a fear, not for me, but for a loved one. I have had this feeling only over one person in the past. Now, I have to say, there is another person who makes me feel this afraid. Our nephew said today that he believes God arms us with a type of sixth sense, to allow us to protect ourself. My sixth sense kicks in, full force and always has with this person.

Now, she has hurt my sweet hubby. Let me just tell you, that infuriates me. She has no idea. You got something mean or hurtful to say, lady you better bring it to me. Stop stirring the pot, just let things be. Stop trying so hard to keep up with all your lies, its not working, it can't be done, there are just too many. The truth is out and you have to deal with it. We Clayton's (by birth or by marriage) are a force to be reckoned with. Don't mess with those we love! Definately don't mess with my sweet hubby. You have nothing on me, I don't mind telling you the truth and am fully aware that you are not at all interested in hearing it. If you don't want answers, don't ask questions. STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM! We all know better!

Like I have said before, I don't know book, chapter and verse, but I do know there is scripture that says the truth will set you free. That is my prayer today, that the truth will shine. It will bring out all the lies and expose those telling those lies.

Are you sure it's not all about me?

I have to be honest. I NEED down time with my hubby. I NEED to be the only thing that matters in his world occasionally. I NEED to feel loved, no matter what. I NEED to feel like he thinks I'm beautiful. I NEED, I NEED, I NEED! Some of this is understandable. God created me to need the things I need. He knows I need the fairy tale. He knows better than anyone. But, do I actually NEED these things. I may be in a bad mood if things don't go the way I want them to, but my life doesn't really change.

What does change my life?

Filling those needs with God. I can have that time, just a quiet conversation, all I have to do is turn off the TV, put down the phone and shut the laptop. I can always feel loved, I just remember what He has done for me, the sacrifices He has made. He loves me unconditionally. I know I am beautiful to him, He created me in his image. He "thinks I am to die for" as I saw on a shirt recently. These things bring me peace and calm, they bring me closer to God. These things allow me to be more of the person God created me to be. These things change my life!

Do I really think I am so important? Am I really that busy? Is it really this simple?

My prayer today is to be aware. God, please make me conscious of the time I have to spend with you every day.

What WOULD Jesus do?

Last night, like most Monday nights, we picked up Carey and had dinner with friends. Good friends, the kind who will help you move in the rain. Plus, Paulette is a GREAT cook. We had our regular small group, finsihed a study on Ephesians, discussed what was next for our little group and then said our good byes and took Carey home. After we dropped him off, we ran into another friend, Harold. Wow, this was pretty special, we NEVER get to see Harold.

Before we headed out for our Monday night fun, we watched the local news and found out there would be a meeting at Mahon Library regarding our homeless population in Lubbock and what to do with them. You see, the city council is appalled that the homeless have 'stuff' and has no place to keep it. They don't understand why the homeless urinate in public. They just want the problem to go away. Mahon library is where our homless community stays. There is a canopy all the way around the building. This provides shade and keeps them from getting wet in the rain and snow. This is so important, mainly because there is no homeless shelter in Lubbock. Since I am pretty passionate about the homeless problem in Lubbock, you can imagine what kind of mood the news put me in. I stomped and ranted about how rediculous the city council is and "How dare they". The news crews just showed the pictures and said the words, putting our friends out there as unclean, just plain dirty. This really irritated me, to say the least.

Oh yea, I was talking about Carey. You see, we picked Carey up at Carpenter's Church. Just down the street from Mahon Library, which is where Carey lives. We saw Harold a block or two away, standing in his alley, dreadlocks hanging in his face, wearing his brown coveralls, like always, year round. We left both guys with new sleeping bags and the promise of bringing new ones that were heavier and would keep them warmer during the winter. Carey has worked his whole life, living paycheck to paycheck, but working none the less. He was an electronics technician. Then he lost his sight. He can still see, somewhat, but certainely not well enough to repair the delicate electronics as before. He is a child of God, he is a minister, he is a friend, he is a disciple. Carey is homeless, and we love him.

I don't know book, chapter and verse but I know some of the stories in the bible. The one that comes to mind is the pool at Bethesda. I won't re-tell the story but, Jesus healed the invalid that had been there 38 years. Healed him on the spot. Can you just imagine! There would be some serious happy dancing going on if I had been there! Then, those with "authority" stepped in. First, telling the man he was not allowed to carry his bedroll on the sabbath, then, they went after Jesus because he did this sort of thing on the sabbath. Seriously, this sort of thing, HE HEALED A MAN! Other than moan and groan about things they didn't really like, what did they do on the sabbath?

This type of authority is what we are dealing with in Lubbock. A council that just wants the problem to go away without having to get their hands dirty. They want to moan and groan about the problem because a homeless population does absolutely nothing for the beautification process going on now. Not only do they refuse to do something, they DO NOT want anyone else to do anything else either. Nope, no healing going on in Lubbock! Not on this watch!

Jesus lived for us. He lived to save us and to heal us, each and every one of us. Whether we have a home or not. He died for our Carey just as he dies for our mayor. Carey totally understands that. Don't really know how the mayor truly feels about it, but I do know, there will be no healing in Lubbock during his "sabbath".

My prayer today is for wisdom and courage. God, please bring me the ideas to change this and the courage to fight this battle.

Uuuuggghhhhh, I am having a bad personality day!

I happen to think things should be fair. I totally understand that they aren't, I just think they should be. I tend to lean toward the notion that a little common sense can go a long way. Common sense says don't talk trash behind someones back because they are probably going to find out. Common sense says don't lie or cheat. Common sense says don't get so drunk that you have no idea what you are doing. Common sense says...........

HELLO!!!!!! Is anyone getting that common sense may be God speaking. The little voice that says, don't be hurtful. Don't do things you know you will regret. Don't gossip, don't lie, don't steal, don't be a drunkard. These are all fundamentals and even though I try to do these things, I can't say I am very good at it. I suck at being a decent person when Satan is attacking full force, like he is now. Now, I fall into gossip, I am afraid constantly, I think the worst of some people and I don't even bother to take care of myself. This is NOT the Tish God intended me to be.

I know it is not for me to say if someone is evil or not but I do believe Satan will work through people and, let me just tell you, that somebody is just about on my last nerve! When it seems someone sets out to destroy our family and is telling hateful, hurtful lies, I am finding it very difficult to show love and kindness. It just isn't fait that we are having to deal with this person right now. In a world where things were fair, this person would not even exist! I have been struggling with how I am supposed to show the love of Christ to this person whom I happen to be convinced may just be satan's spawn. Okay, I get how harsh that sounds and I don't truly believe this person is the spawn of satan but I am angry that she is sharing the same air I breathe!

How are we supposed to show the love of Jesus to someone who irritates us so? Someone who, even if some of the words are true, they are so hurtful and malicious, they should never be repeated. How do we "turn the other cheek" when it could cost someone so much.

Maybe, just maybe, by calling them on their crap. I don't think we are supposed to let people walk all over us just because we are a follower of Jesus. I don't think that is what He had in mind. Are we really supposed to enable the hateful ways? If we don't say anything, isn't that just what we are doing?

Okay, this is where I am always in trouble, I personally think we are supposed to confront in kindness, I get that. My problem, how do I confront in kindness when I really just want to bop someone? My answer, I can't, I am just not capable of that kind of kindness and love. The difference is, the old me would have just handled the crap the best way I knew how and dealt the aftermath the best I could. The new me, I have been dealing with this person for about a month now, listening to all the rediculous words and watching actions that are shameful.  I am praying like crazy and....... well, I haven't bopped anyone yet! This is a good thing. This is an accomplishment.

Today, my prayer is simply, thank you God that I haven't bopped anyone so far. It is only because of you that has been possible.

Oh yea, I will also be praying for peace and possibly waking up on the other side of the bed tomorrow.

Who Am I?

I am a wife, mother, grammy, daughter, sister, aunt, neice and friend. I love my family, my job and God. I try to be a good person but I fail miserably much more often than I want to admit. I am a child in my Christian walk and the old me sneaks in so often! I am that little girl, cowering in the corner, trying to figure out how to fight her demons. I am broken!

I am trying to find my beauty, the beauty they say God sees in me. Today, I will begin a journey. It will be ugly at times, just like my life, but I hope this will be an avenue of healing and hope.

Psalm 147:3   He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

This is what I am counting on. This is my prayer.