I remember when I was a little girl, my dad was pretty much my hero. He used to sit and play dominoes with my papaw and I remember him taking me hiking up the mountain when we lived in Idaho. I remember............. Wait, I don't really have any more good memories. He left when I was five. I have a few more memories, but not good ones. I remember he drank alot and I remember sitting at the front window waiting on him when he never showed up.
My dad, the man that loves me unconditionally, the man I could never disappoint enough to make him stop loving me. This is the model I had of a husband. This is the man who taught me how a woman should be treated. This is the man who taught me what was most important in life. See, for my natural father, liquor was the most important thing in his life, actually, I think it still is.
Guess what, this man does not love me unconditionally, he actually has said he hates me because I am too much like my mother. Funny thing is, I don't know who he expects me to be like, as I said before, he left when I was 5 years old and was not a very big part of my life. He says I am like my mom, like that's a bad thing, when it is actually a HUGE compliment. My mom is my hero!
I found myself trying desperately to make an alcoholic love me. Not such a good plan, go figure! Even though I knew there was no hope of being more important than the bottle, I still tried. I cried, begged, left, divorced, remarried and cried some more. Listened to lots of empty promises of quitting and my expectations on how I deserved to be treated were not nearly high enough. I thought I was going to change this man, I was sure as hell going to try. He was going to wake up one morning and decide I was more important than the alcohol. Guess what, never happened! Never would have, no matter how long I stayed.
So, my father didn't love me, the man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, no matter what I did, this is the man that hates me. My husband didn't love me, only enjoyed the fact that his house was clean, his clothes were clean and I brought in a decent paycheck. Well, let me guess, God must not love me either! No God would allow this to happen, right? Exactly what was I worth anyway? Why would God want to love me?
We can sure screw up our lives by trying to make people into the who we want them to be. If a man drinks like a fish while you are dating, chances are he is not going to stop after you marry him. It will probably get worse and then the hitting may start. It can be your dad or your husband or your boyfriend, doesn't really matter, YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE!
I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be important. I wanted to matter more than a beer. Was this really too much to ask? I tried to stay thin, pretended my life was perfect. I tried to dress right and say the right things. I knew if I could just keep the house clean enough or cook the perfect meal, he would love me. My self worth was wrapped up in these men. My father and my husband. Why could they not love me?
Looking back, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were harmful to ME. I allowed my father to hurt my feelings over and over again. I allowed my husband to treat me poorly. I allowed this. I have accepted it. In no way does it mean I deserved this, it just means, because of my bad decisions, this went on much longer than necessary so my self esteem and pride took a beating for much longer than necessary. I just wanted these men to change!
I don't really know what happened. Somehow, God got hold of me and began to work away. Oh, let me tell you, I didn't make it easy for Him. I was not even convinced he existed and I was testing Him each and every day. He just kept on working! He started changing me. He surrounded me with Godly people and He brought me a strength I never imagined I had inside me. He started changing my heart and, because of that, I was able to see myself differently.
I am not anywhere close to being the person God has created me to be. The difference is, I am at least listening to Him more and I am definitely leaning on Him more. I am trying to allow Him to soften my heart and because of that, I have been able to begin the process of forgiveness.
These men have no hold on me anymore, I don't hate them, I don't even wish them bad. They don't consume my thoughts anymore. I hate that I wasted so much time on them but, I have no regrets. If any one day of my life had changed, I would not be where I am today. I may not have tried so desperately tried to find someone to love me, unconditionally. I may not have figured out that God loves me unconditionally, and He always will. This realization changed my life and continues to change me every day!
My prayer is to find that new Christian, the one that couldn't get enough information, that couldn't read enough or hear enough. The one that couldn't wait to hear a new message. The one that was a "spiritual sponge". I want her back again. I don't like being stagnate in my faith !
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