My sweet neice says the difference in guilt and shame is, with guilt, you feel like you have done something wrong. With shame, you feel like you ARE something wrong. To the very core of you, you truly believe there is something horribly wrong about you!
I hate guilt, it keeps me awake at night, affects my appetite, sometimes makes me physically ill. I hate knowing that I have hurt someone, have ruined someones day or have just been a putz about something. I try to come across as this tough as nails, nothing gets under my skin kind of chick. But, guilt, that seriously gets under my skin. I have learned that it is usually pretty easy to deal with guilt, I just have to suck it up and apoligize, from my heart and try to make ammends with the person I have hurt. It seems I always hurt the ones I love. The nice thing about that is, they all know I am a putz, luckily, they all know I can certainly be a dufus and speak before I think. Because they know this, they forgive me, they love me in spite of myself. This is grace, plain and simple.
Shame, now that is something completely different. Shame will make you do some really silly things. You will do just about anything to cover it up, to keep it in the dark. You don't want anyone to know what you are ashamed of. You protect this shameful act with all of your power. If people find out, they will be disappointed. Maybe, they won't love you anymore. You all know this shame I am talking about. Maybe it is the shame of an affair, many years ago, that hurt so many people and you just can't bring yourself to fess up and be honest. Maybe it is the shame of living in an abusive relationship for many years, pretending everything is perfect so nobody realized just how foolish you really are. We all have our own shame. It is certainly not as easy to deal with as guilt, requires so much more than an 'I'm sorry' to get past. Now what? I AM this bad person, what do I do now? Do I only deserve to be with someone that will treat me poorly? Do I deserve to be isolated? Do I deserve hapiness? Do I deserve forgiveness? Seriously, could anyone ever forgive me? Could I even begin to forgive myself? These are questions I think we have all asked ourselves.
I have a 'dream voice'. I know, most people think it is crazy, I think my sweet hubby did too until he started seeing some evidence of these dreamy conversations. It is simply a conversation in my dreams, I am sitting, listening very intently to 'The Voice". This voice gives me good. solid advice and at times, when I am seriously struggling with something, it helps me clear my mind and just think straight. I can't say what "The Voice" is, maybe while I sleep is the only time I allow my brain to slow down and think. Maybe, just maybe, it is the only time I am still and quiet and God is speaking. Whatever it is, it is very appreciated and I have learned that I should probably listen.
Last night, my dream voice spoke and reminded me of how I covered up so much of my shame with the vision of a perfect life, a perfect marriage and perfect kids. Now, everyone knows my life was totally screwed up, that marriage is over and, although they are very close to perfect to me, my kids have a few issues. I was horribly ashamed of the person I had become. I was ashamed of the way I allowed myself to be treated and ashamed of my own poor decisions. I was a victim of my own choices and truly a slave to my shame. I also realized, through my 'Dream Voice' that someone I love is quite possibly going through the same thing right now. He may truly be a slave to his shame.
Do you know someone that may be living this same life, the life of shame? Maybe you are living this hell yourself right now. How do you get out? How do you help someone out? People, let me tell you, the ONLY way to deal with this emotion is with honesty. Brutal, out in the light honesty. It sucks, big time! It is painful and and the memories of what brought our shame are almost overwhelming. At times, you may think there is no hope, there is no way we deserve to be forgiven. Our shame is just too big! Just breathe and get past this, it will happen over and over again. Not really much to look forward to, huh? Nothing worthwhile is easy, or at least that is what my papaw always told me!
We could live in this world of shame, we can live with all of our regrets and we may even be able to find some sort of peace in it all. I personally don't believe this is what God has planned for us. I think we are supposed to confess, we are supposed to forgive, even ourselves at times, and we are supposed to love.
Those that love you will forgive you and they will still love you. They may be hurt but, chances are, they are hurting already, maybe they just don't understand exactily why. Be honest with yourself, with the ones you love and with God. You and God already know what you are ashamed of and you owe it to the ones you love to be allowed to show grace and mercy while they try to understand. This is how healing begins. You can't be a slave to your shame if your are making an effort to heal. This is how you win over shame, step up to the plate and face it, head on. God is standing right next to you and He is so very proud of you!
My prayer today is to be able to show the kind of love that will make people feel comfortable and safe. To show the love of Christ!
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