I have really been hit in the face with my past recently. I mean, hit HARD! That sit in the middle of the bed, rocking back and forth, afraid to move because I was convinced the past had come back to hurt me, kind of hard. It's been strange to go through this, I have not been afraid for at least five years, have not really even thought about this crap for a very long time. It started when my sweet hubby was in Amarillo with his brother who was so very ill. I was home alone, stressed, worried and afraid.

My brain can conjure up some of the craziest things. Logically, I know I have three locks on each door and they are all locked. I understand that if anyone is in the house, they aren't going to be hiding in a room waiting for me to come in so they can hurt me. I totally get that I am safe in my own home, even when I am alone. Logically, this is all as it should be, however, this is not how it happened. Sometimes things just don't happen like they should and those things just don't make sense. Sometimes, those things leave terrible scars that may never heal.

Why am I so afraid again. Is it because I never really dealt with these things, because I never faced my fears and fought my demons? Is it because I was home alone? Is it just because I can't handle stress like I used to? What is wrong with me?!?!

OK, I understand I should probably deal with this stuff and that I may even have a slight case of PTSD or something. I know that the things I have been thinking lately are not reasonable. I understand that this kind of stress is no good for me, my marriage or my family. I really do understand what I should be doing, I just can't find my way through the muck to do it.

Being afraid of a big man that has hurt you before is one thing. Those memories can come back and really torment you. This is different.

I think that I have realized, there is one person in our life right now that causes me to freak out. I feel my chest get tight, I have a hard time breathing, I feel VERY anxious and just can't hardly stand to be in the same room with this person. It is a fear, not for me, but for a loved one. I have had this feeling only over one person in the past. Now, I have to say, there is another person who makes me feel this afraid. Our nephew said today that he believes God arms us with a type of sixth sense, to allow us to protect ourself. My sixth sense kicks in, full force and always has with this person.

Now, she has hurt my sweet hubby. Let me just tell you, that infuriates me. She has no idea. You got something mean or hurtful to say, lady you better bring it to me. Stop stirring the pot, just let things be. Stop trying so hard to keep up with all your lies, its not working, it can't be done, there are just too many. The truth is out and you have to deal with it. We Clayton's (by birth or by marriage) are a force to be reckoned with. Don't mess with those we love! Definately don't mess with my sweet hubby. You have nothing on me, I don't mind telling you the truth and am fully aware that you are not at all interested in hearing it. If you don't want answers, don't ask questions. STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM! We all know better!

Like I have said before, I don't know book, chapter and verse, but I do know there is scripture that says the truth will set you free. That is my prayer today, that the truth will shine. It will bring out all the lies and expose those telling those lies.