Brave or Crazy?

A sweet friend has said I am "very brave" to say what I feel deep down on here. That cracks me up, I am alot of things but brave is definately not one of them. I do appreciate the compliment though!

See, I am not brave at all, I am convicted, but not brave! God has decided that I need to be honest about my life, good and bad, because it just might help change someone elses life. Can I just say. God and I don't always see eye to eye but He just doesn't give up!

I did not grow up in church. By the time I was an adult, I didn't even believe in God. Seriously convinced myself that, with all the crap I had been through, there must not be a God. Pretty much lived that lie for about 20 years. Never really gave much thought to it, I didn't ponder creation or existance, didn't really wonder about the miracle of birth or the beauty of a sunset. I just didn't care. I knew there was no God. Couldn't be.

About nine years ago, I went to work for Dr. Stephenson. Oh my goodness, he was always talking about God and his church. He asked me about my faith to which I simply answered "I am spiritual".  I didn't think this guy would ever shut up about his God. It was driving me nuts. Then, we would go to the operating rooma nd Dr. Brown was talking about his God. These two were tag teaming me and it was really irritating me at times. I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD!!!! This is what I wanted to scream but just figured it would cause trouble at work and I needed my job. It was my safe place!

Dr. Stephenson never really pushed me, he simply guided me, sometimes stronger than others. He seemed to know when to back off. He would listen to contemporary christian music in the operating room and the strangest thing happened. I found myself humming along. I knew the words to some of the songs. Then I heard "I Can Only Imagine". This was my 'aha' moment. I paid attention to those words and then I started looking for a church. I can't say exactly what it was, my dream voice simply told me to find a family because I was going to need people to lean on and I needed those people to be good, Godly people.

Long story short, I found a church, realized that, for me, church is not just a building I go to on Sunday mornings. Found my sweet hubby, he was the minister at that church. Found a way to begin to be okay with me and my past. Found all of these things through God. That's right, the same God I denied, cursed, hated and completely and totally turned away from. This is the God that was just waiting on me to pay attention so he could bless me more than I ever imagined.

I hope that someone will read my posts, peek into my life and actually understand how bad I screwed up. I hope you see what a disappointment I was, how horrible I was. I hope you see I still screw up every day and, even though, along with being a Jesus follower, I seem to have grown a conscience, I still hurt people, I still do stupid things every day. I don't mean to sometimes and other times, I feel bad after I realize what I have done.

After you see all of my skeletons, when you see all of my scars, I hope you can see how blessed I am. Me, that doesn't deserve half of the blessings I have. Me, the one that screws up every day. What have I ever done to deserve this?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! This is not hard folks. My sweet hubby says it is very simple, but it isn't easy. This is true. Simple and easy are two very different things. In order for something to be easy for me, I have to understand it. I didn't understand God's grace at all. I get that the concept is very simple but it makes no sense.

I had to figure out, in order to extend grace, I had to accept it first. In order to forgive those who had hurt me, I had to forgive myself first. In order to love, I had to learn to be okay with me. There is no way I could do these things on my own. God did this for me, He is still working and I am sure He would appreciate it if I could just get a grip at times. But, like I said earlier, He never gives up.

Brave, not me, I am a littel bonkers. Actually just crazy, that's me!

My prayer today is for the courage to be vulnerable and honest. I pray I can shine God's light so brightly, someone is going to want to know what it is.