I'm Fine!!!!

How many times in my life have I answered the question, "are you okay?" with "I'M FINE". I did it just today. What exactly do I think that accomplishes? If someone asks the question, do I not owe them some sort of a truthful answer. Even if it is just, "I don't know" or "no, actually, I am not". What would be wrong with saying those things?

Well, I don't know about anyone else but there are a couple of reasons I can think of that cause me to spew "I'M FINE"! One, I sure would hate it if anyone knew I might have feelings or a weakness or worse yet, emotions. Two, I struggle with anger and if I answer that question honestly, then I just might blow a gasket. I never really learned how to "use my words". Ha, that is what all my grandkids get told when they aren't making any sense with their gibberish, you know, when they are trying so hard to tattle but just keep stammering over their words or when they just cry or whine and point.

It just dawned on me, I act the EXACT same way when someone asks me what's wrong. I act like one of my grandkids when things aren't going their way and they just don't know how to express what is wrong. Difference is, I am not a child! I should be able to be honest!

That would require me being honest with myself. That sucks, just in case you were wondering how I feel about it! I would rather run miles upon miles than be honest with myself. Why is that? When I know what I am, when I know who I am, why am I so afraid of just admitting it to myself. I guess because I know who I am and I know what I am. I can't imagine anyone understanding me much less wanting to be with me. I am complicated, I am simple, I am deep, I am shallow, I am so many different things, I can't even understand me most of the time!

So, my answer is, I AM FINE! That makes it all okay. That should make anyone quit asking questions. Problem is, it doens't make me believe it. It also doens't make God leave me alone, He is constantly there, asking me "what's wrong"?

Why can't I get it? God knows who I am and God knows what I am and yet, He still wants to know, "what's wrong"? Could it be because He knows everything about me and sees no wrong. Even though he sees every scar, every hurt, every tear, every hateful, hurtful thing there is to see about me, He can't understand why I feel like there is something wrong. He keeps no records, He just loves me.

I will still constantly try to figure out my own emotions. I will always try to come across as the strong chick, the one with no worries or concerns. I will always be afraid of things going bad but am getting better at just letting things be what they are. I am also trying harder to see myself through God's eyes more often and not through the eyes that are so terribly scarred by my past.

What's wrong? Actually, nothing, I am fine. Just ask God!