God did not give me the kind of mind to come up with solutions to problems. Now, He made me a good worker bee but just not a very creative problem solver,
I am sitting here while my sweet hubby is watching the football game and I look up and see all these big, burly football players wearing pink. Completely blows me away. They are all wearing pink. Gobs and gobs of people run every year for breast cancer, tons of companies support and donate millions of dollars to breast cancer. All of this because Susan G. Komen's sister promised her she would make a difference. Wow, has she ever made a difference and her sis is looking down and so very proud of her.
There is so much going on in our lives right now, so much I am actually losing sleep over. I want to fix my brother in law, who after not one, not two but three heart attacks is struggling through recovery and rehab. I want to fix his boys who have spent so many days and nights refusing to leave the hospital and have had to deal with way more than any sons should have to deal with. I want to fix their beautiful wives who have just stepped up to the plate and taken care of the families so their hubbies could be with their dad. I want to fix the chaos that has seemed to surround everyone, sometimes so much so that the truth has been hard to see.
I want to fix our homeless situation. I want desperately to be able to come up with a solution for a shelter. The city council will meet again this Thursday and it seems they will pass the ordinances to make it illegal to be around the civic center or Mahon library between midnight and 5:00 a.m. Doesn't really sound like a big deal except, since there is no shelter in Lubbock, these are the only two places with awnings to at least allow our homeless friends to stay out of the rain and snow. The city says the homeless problem is not their problem. Funny, I thought citizens of Lubbock were all the responsibility of the city council.
I love all of these people, but I can't seem to figure out a way to fix any of their problems. See, this bothers me because, I like to fix things! I need to fix things. I NEED to find a way for my brother in law to go home and be safe and not hassled or harassed. I NEED to figure out a way to get a shelter here in Lubbock, I NEED to figure out how to articulate my thoughts in a way that people in power will listen. I NEED to know that my friends will not freeze to death this winter because I couldn't come up with an idea.
I NEED your help, all of you, anyone with any ideas. Please, all ideas will be so appreciated. If you are like me, and a much better worker bee than an idea person, I NEED your prayers. We can all pray. We can pray for all of the people I have mentioned and for those others we know who are in need of prayer. Maybe you have a loved one in a bad relationship or struggling with addiction or maybe, just maybe, you know someone who is homeless. Maybe you know someone who is being manipulated and deceived and you just want to see this person open their eyes. Maybe someones marriage is in trouble, maybe your marriage is in trouble. Maybe someones kids are stumbling or have just decided not to even try and walk a steady path. Maybe someone's past just continues to haunt them, like mine does.
God, today I thank you for every person who reads this and takes a moment to have a talk with you. I pray for marriages, families and our homeless brothers and sisters. I pray for compassion from our city council and I pray for a solution for shelter to come to the forefront very soon. I pray that everyone who reads this be overwhelmed with the realization of freedom they have in you. This freedom will allow us all to put our past behind us and leave it there. Once we can do that, maybe we can concentrate more on the future and what we can do to shine your light for others!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Daddy's Girl - NOT!!!
I remember when I was a little girl, my dad was pretty much my hero. He used to sit and play dominoes with my papaw and I remember him taking me hiking up the mountain when we lived in Idaho. I remember............. Wait, I don't really have any more good memories. He left when I was five. I have a few more memories, but not good ones. I remember he drank alot and I remember sitting at the front window waiting on him when he never showed up.
My dad, the man that loves me unconditionally, the man I could never disappoint enough to make him stop loving me. This is the model I had of a husband. This is the man who taught me how a woman should be treated. This is the man who taught me what was most important in life. See, for my natural father, liquor was the most important thing in his life, actually, I think it still is.
Guess what, this man does not love me unconditionally, he actually has said he hates me because I am too much like my mother. Funny thing is, I don't know who he expects me to be like, as I said before, he left when I was 5 years old and was not a very big part of my life. He says I am like my mom, like that's a bad thing, when it is actually a HUGE compliment. My mom is my hero!
I found myself trying desperately to make an alcoholic love me. Not such a good plan, go figure! Even though I knew there was no hope of being more important than the bottle, I still tried. I cried, begged, left, divorced, remarried and cried some more. Listened to lots of empty promises of quitting and my expectations on how I deserved to be treated were not nearly high enough. I thought I was going to change this man, I was sure as hell going to try. He was going to wake up one morning and decide I was more important than the alcohol. Guess what, never happened! Never would have, no matter how long I stayed.
So, my father didn't love me, the man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, no matter what I did, this is the man that hates me. My husband didn't love me, only enjoyed the fact that his house was clean, his clothes were clean and I brought in a decent paycheck. Well, let me guess, God must not love me either! No God would allow this to happen, right? Exactly what was I worth anyway? Why would God want to love me?
We can sure screw up our lives by trying to make people into the who we want them to be. If a man drinks like a fish while you are dating, chances are he is not going to stop after you marry him. It will probably get worse and then the hitting may start. It can be your dad or your husband or your boyfriend, doesn't really matter, YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE!
I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be important. I wanted to matter more than a beer. Was this really too much to ask? I tried to stay thin, pretended my life was perfect. I tried to dress right and say the right things. I knew if I could just keep the house clean enough or cook the perfect meal, he would love me. My self worth was wrapped up in these men. My father and my husband. Why could they not love me?
Looking back, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were harmful to ME. I allowed my father to hurt my feelings over and over again. I allowed my husband to treat me poorly. I allowed this. I have accepted it. In no way does it mean I deserved this, it just means, because of my bad decisions, this went on much longer than necessary so my self esteem and pride took a beating for much longer than necessary. I just wanted these men to change!
I don't really know what happened. Somehow, God got hold of me and began to work away. Oh, let me tell you, I didn't make it easy for Him. I was not even convinced he existed and I was testing Him each and every day. He just kept on working! He started changing me. He surrounded me with Godly people and He brought me a strength I never imagined I had inside me. He started changing my heart and, because of that, I was able to see myself differently.
I am not anywhere close to being the person God has created me to be. The difference is, I am at least listening to Him more and I am definitely leaning on Him more. I am trying to allow Him to soften my heart and because of that, I have been able to begin the process of forgiveness.
These men have no hold on me anymore, I don't hate them, I don't even wish them bad. They don't consume my thoughts anymore. I hate that I wasted so much time on them but, I have no regrets. If any one day of my life had changed, I would not be where I am today. I may not have tried so desperately tried to find someone to love me, unconditionally. I may not have figured out that God loves me unconditionally, and He always will. This realization changed my life and continues to change me every day!
My prayer is to find that new Christian, the one that couldn't get enough information, that couldn't read enough or hear enough. The one that couldn't wait to hear a new message. The one that was a "spiritual sponge". I want her back again. I don't like being stagnate in my faith !
My dad, the man that loves me unconditionally, the man I could never disappoint enough to make him stop loving me. This is the model I had of a husband. This is the man who taught me how a woman should be treated. This is the man who taught me what was most important in life. See, for my natural father, liquor was the most important thing in his life, actually, I think it still is.
Guess what, this man does not love me unconditionally, he actually has said he hates me because I am too much like my mother. Funny thing is, I don't know who he expects me to be like, as I said before, he left when I was 5 years old and was not a very big part of my life. He says I am like my mom, like that's a bad thing, when it is actually a HUGE compliment. My mom is my hero!
I found myself trying desperately to make an alcoholic love me. Not such a good plan, go figure! Even though I knew there was no hope of being more important than the bottle, I still tried. I cried, begged, left, divorced, remarried and cried some more. Listened to lots of empty promises of quitting and my expectations on how I deserved to be treated were not nearly high enough. I thought I was going to change this man, I was sure as hell going to try. He was going to wake up one morning and decide I was more important than the alcohol. Guess what, never happened! Never would have, no matter how long I stayed.
So, my father didn't love me, the man that was supposed to love me unconditionally, no matter what I did, this is the man that hates me. My husband didn't love me, only enjoyed the fact that his house was clean, his clothes were clean and I brought in a decent paycheck. Well, let me guess, God must not love me either! No God would allow this to happen, right? Exactly what was I worth anyway? Why would God want to love me?
We can sure screw up our lives by trying to make people into the who we want them to be. If a man drinks like a fish while you are dating, chances are he is not going to stop after you marry him. It will probably get worse and then the hitting may start. It can be your dad or your husband or your boyfriend, doesn't really matter, YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE!
I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be important. I wanted to matter more than a beer. Was this really too much to ask? I tried to stay thin, pretended my life was perfect. I tried to dress right and say the right things. I knew if I could just keep the house clean enough or cook the perfect meal, he would love me. My self worth was wrapped up in these men. My father and my husband. Why could they not love me?
Looking back, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were harmful to ME. I allowed my father to hurt my feelings over and over again. I allowed my husband to treat me poorly. I allowed this. I have accepted it. In no way does it mean I deserved this, it just means, because of my bad decisions, this went on much longer than necessary so my self esteem and pride took a beating for much longer than necessary. I just wanted these men to change!
I don't really know what happened. Somehow, God got hold of me and began to work away. Oh, let me tell you, I didn't make it easy for Him. I was not even convinced he existed and I was testing Him each and every day. He just kept on working! He started changing me. He surrounded me with Godly people and He brought me a strength I never imagined I had inside me. He started changing my heart and, because of that, I was able to see myself differently.
I am not anywhere close to being the person God has created me to be. The difference is, I am at least listening to Him more and I am definitely leaning on Him more. I am trying to allow Him to soften my heart and because of that, I have been able to begin the process of forgiveness.
These men have no hold on me anymore, I don't hate them, I don't even wish them bad. They don't consume my thoughts anymore. I hate that I wasted so much time on them but, I have no regrets. If any one day of my life had changed, I would not be where I am today. I may not have tried so desperately tried to find someone to love me, unconditionally. I may not have figured out that God loves me unconditionally, and He always will. This realization changed my life and continues to change me every day!
My prayer is to find that new Christian, the one that couldn't get enough information, that couldn't read enough or hear enough. The one that couldn't wait to hear a new message. The one that was a "spiritual sponge". I want her back again. I don't like being stagnate in my faith !
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Love Turned To Hate
I came across this tonight. I wrote in several years ago, when I had nowhere to go except to my paper with my pen. I used to write almost every night, it was the only thing that kept me sane. This was during the time I didn't believe in God so I most definately was not spending any time talking with Him.
What do you do
When someone
Takes away
Everything
You believe true?
Your desire to live,
But most of all
The ability to feel
Desired.
Human emotions.
Where do you turn
When your most
Important emotion
Is destroyed,
Terminated
Who could do this awful thing
To another person?
A man can do it,
When he turns love
Into hate
The feelings once felt
In association
With love
Are gone
Maybe for good
What do you do?
Where do you turn?
I don't know
I haven't yet
Figured it out
You want to talk
But want no pity
You want to sleep
Waking to realize
It's a bad dream
Maybe the answer is
The day you forget
Is the day
Nothing else matters
Then the pain stops.
I was in a terribly dark place at the time I wrote this with no hope. I had notbody to talk to, besides, why would I want to tell anyone my life was in shambles?
I am a much different person now. First of all, I have surrounded myself with beautiful friends and God has blessed me with a wonderful family. I now know that God is on my side and, even when people are at their most hateful and hurtful, even when someone hurts me in a way that was unimaginable until I had to go through it, even then, God is on my side.
The old me truly believed if there had been a God, these bad things would never happen. This is why I didn't believe in God. Thankfully, I don't feel this way any longer. I know how God has changed me, I can see the differences in me. Not that the old me doesn't come back occasionally, she does, but I know with God's help, I will just keep getting better.
I had to accept that God could change me. Had to open myself up to the possibility. That was tough. In fact, I didn't think I could do it but then God took over and just did His thing. He knew much better than me who I needed to be. We still go toe to toe regularly, me thinking I know what's best. God just waits patiently for me to surrender and he does exactly what I need.
Once I accepted that for myself, I had to begin to understand that those people who turn love into hate, they just haven't opened themselves up to the possibility of changes that God is just waiting to make in them. In order to extend grace, I first had to accept it and once I accepted it, I had to try and realize that God's grace covers everyone, even that man that took so much from me! I don't know where he is spiritually now but, if he hasn't made any changes yet, I do know that God is still waiting, just waiting on him to open his heart to the posibility of change!
God, please let my story impact someone who is hurting and hating. Help them see your love through me and know that you love them just the same. You love them in their brokeness and their weakness. You love them always, but especially when they don't think they can love themselves or another again. God, please let them see your love is an all consuming and healing love.
What do you do
When someone
Takes away
Everything
You believe true?
Your desire to live,
But most of all
The ability to feel
Desired.
Human emotions.
Where do you turn
When your most
Important emotion
Is destroyed,
Terminated
Who could do this awful thing
To another person?
A man can do it,
When he turns love
Into hate
The feelings once felt
In association
With love
Are gone
Maybe for good
What do you do?
Where do you turn?
I don't know
I haven't yet
Figured it out
You want to talk
But want no pity
You want to sleep
Waking to realize
It's a bad dream
Maybe the answer is
The day you forget
Is the day
Nothing else matters
Then the pain stops.
I was in a terribly dark place at the time I wrote this with no hope. I had notbody to talk to, besides, why would I want to tell anyone my life was in shambles?
I am a much different person now. First of all, I have surrounded myself with beautiful friends and God has blessed me with a wonderful family. I now know that God is on my side and, even when people are at their most hateful and hurtful, even when someone hurts me in a way that was unimaginable until I had to go through it, even then, God is on my side.
The old me truly believed if there had been a God, these bad things would never happen. This is why I didn't believe in God. Thankfully, I don't feel this way any longer. I know how God has changed me, I can see the differences in me. Not that the old me doesn't come back occasionally, she does, but I know with God's help, I will just keep getting better.
I had to accept that God could change me. Had to open myself up to the possibility. That was tough. In fact, I didn't think I could do it but then God took over and just did His thing. He knew much better than me who I needed to be. We still go toe to toe regularly, me thinking I know what's best. God just waits patiently for me to surrender and he does exactly what I need.
Once I accepted that for myself, I had to begin to understand that those people who turn love into hate, they just haven't opened themselves up to the possibility of changes that God is just waiting to make in them. In order to extend grace, I first had to accept it and once I accepted it, I had to try and realize that God's grace covers everyone, even that man that took so much from me! I don't know where he is spiritually now but, if he hasn't made any changes yet, I do know that God is still waiting, just waiting on him to open his heart to the posibility of change!
God, please let my story impact someone who is hurting and hating. Help them see your love through me and know that you love them just the same. You love them in their brokeness and their weakness. You love them always, but especially when they don't think they can love themselves or another again. God, please let them see your love is an all consuming and healing love.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I am such a wus!
My weakness is more evident now than it ever has been. Can I just say, I am not a fan of being weak. I am not able to control most aspects of my life right now. My nightmares keep me from resting. This I have no control over. I have to take these stupid medicines. If I was "strong", I wouldn't need medicine. I cry alot easier these days, and I still struggle with my MG. WEAK! I depend on my sweet hubby for so much, another sign of weakness. 5 years ago, there was NOTHING I couldn't do on my own. These days, he cooks sometimes, he helps with the dishes, he handles the money, he does alot for me. I have no worries about how he is handling things. I know, in the depths of my soul, he is doing what is best for our family. I have no worries but I have given up the responsibilities. This makes me seem weak!
What does God think about me. I really believe He thinks I am weak at times too. I do, it is just my opinion, but I believe He thinks that about all of us! Does He get frustrated with me because I have let my nightmares take control? When I wake up terrified, crying and sometimes swinging at the air. He just wants me to stop and talk to Him. Does He just want to reach down and bop me because I struggle with having to take the medicines I am taking right now. Nope, I believe He wants me to stop being so proud and accept help, in whatever form. Does he think I am weak for crying? Absolutely not, He just cries with me, waiting for me to turn to Him with my fears and hurts. Does he think I am weak because I struggle with my MG? No, He simply wants me to know He is there to catch me when I fall. Does He think I am weak for depending on my sweet hubby so much. Of course not, He brought this wonderful man to me, to share my burdens and care for me.
God simply wants me to humble myself and stop being so 'strong'. When I feel strong, I am actually weak, because I am depending on myself, not on God.
Yes, I think God believes I am weak at times. I just don't think I am weak as often as God would like. In those times I am weak, I have totally given up on myself and turned to God and said, I have nothing else, I don't know what else to do. This is the weakness God loves to see in me! These are the times He can really get busy in my life.
My prayer today is to show that my weakness is God's strength.
What does God think about me. I really believe He thinks I am weak at times too. I do, it is just my opinion, but I believe He thinks that about all of us! Does He get frustrated with me because I have let my nightmares take control? When I wake up terrified, crying and sometimes swinging at the air. He just wants me to stop and talk to Him. Does He just want to reach down and bop me because I struggle with having to take the medicines I am taking right now. Nope, I believe He wants me to stop being so proud and accept help, in whatever form. Does he think I am weak for crying? Absolutely not, He just cries with me, waiting for me to turn to Him with my fears and hurts. Does he think I am weak because I struggle with my MG? No, He simply wants me to know He is there to catch me when I fall. Does He think I am weak for depending on my sweet hubby so much. Of course not, He brought this wonderful man to me, to share my burdens and care for me.
God simply wants me to humble myself and stop being so 'strong'. When I feel strong, I am actually weak, because I am depending on myself, not on God.
Yes, I think God believes I am weak at times. I just don't think I am weak as often as God would like. In those times I am weak, I have totally given up on myself and turned to God and said, I have nothing else, I don't know what else to do. This is the weakness God loves to see in me! These are the times He can really get busy in my life.
My prayer today is to show that my weakness is God's strength.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I just wanna be bread
OK, so this morning, I am driving to work, listening to a little Nicole C. Mullen (whom I love) and just pondering. Let me warn you, my brain is just a little silly. If you know me very well, you won't be surprised at all! Whatever, just try to stay with me, it could be an interesting ride!
OK, Jesus fed the masses with 2 fish and a little bit of bread. This whole concept just blows me away. Exactly how did this happen, I mean, how did it actually look? Did Jesus give a piece of bread to someone and when he reached into the basket, there was just more bread or did each person pull off a piece and it just kind of regenerated. Seriously, like a lizards tail if it gets pulled off, only instantly. Don't really know why that is what I thought of but...
He used that bread and fish and blessed soooooo many people. The people at the end of the line received just as much of a blessing as those first in line. Makes no sense, huh. The bread and the fish asked no questions, they didn't argue, the bread never said, "hey Jesus, sounds like a great plan but I don't know if you can really pull this off so I'm headed back to the bakery and I will bless one or two people. Hope your plan works out but I think I'll stick to my own plan. Yours actually sounds a little crazy! Actually, your plan sounds impossible!
The bread was a blessing and Jesus just kept multiplying the blessing. Why can't I just be bread? Why can't I stop arguing and fussing and expecting and just BE! Wow, I wonder what Jesus could do with me if I could just BE. If I could trust, there is no telling what Jesus could do through me. How many people would Jesus use me to bless? What am I missing out on right now with all this insanity in my life? More important, what blessings and joy am I stealing away from someone else because I argue and fuss and whine to so much, I can't even hear Jesus when He speaks to me. Why can't I just be the bread, at least sometimes.
Isn't this what Jesus expects of us. To be a blessing to others and allow Him to multiply the blessings. What the heck is it going to take? I love the stories and in my own silly little mind, I have a visual understanding of the concepts. I just can't seem to slow down and just BE.
My prayer today is be able to stop each day and think about how I could be a blessing in someones life. To be quiet and allow God to work in me and through me.
OK, Jesus fed the masses with 2 fish and a little bit of bread. This whole concept just blows me away. Exactly how did this happen, I mean, how did it actually look? Did Jesus give a piece of bread to someone and when he reached into the basket, there was just more bread or did each person pull off a piece and it just kind of regenerated. Seriously, like a lizards tail if it gets pulled off, only instantly. Don't really know why that is what I thought of but...
He used that bread and fish and blessed soooooo many people. The people at the end of the line received just as much of a blessing as those first in line. Makes no sense, huh. The bread and the fish asked no questions, they didn't argue, the bread never said, "hey Jesus, sounds like a great plan but I don't know if you can really pull this off so I'm headed back to the bakery and I will bless one or two people. Hope your plan works out but I think I'll stick to my own plan. Yours actually sounds a little crazy! Actually, your plan sounds impossible!
The bread was a blessing and Jesus just kept multiplying the blessing. Why can't I just be bread? Why can't I stop arguing and fussing and expecting and just BE! Wow, I wonder what Jesus could do with me if I could just BE. If I could trust, there is no telling what Jesus could do through me. How many people would Jesus use me to bless? What am I missing out on right now with all this insanity in my life? More important, what blessings and joy am I stealing away from someone else because I argue and fuss and whine to so much, I can't even hear Jesus when He speaks to me. Why can't I just be the bread, at least sometimes.
Isn't this what Jesus expects of us. To be a blessing to others and allow Him to multiply the blessings. What the heck is it going to take? I love the stories and in my own silly little mind, I have a visual understanding of the concepts. I just can't seem to slow down and just BE.
My prayer today is be able to stop each day and think about how I could be a blessing in someones life. To be quiet and allow God to work in me and through me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Brave or Crazy?
A sweet friend has said I am "very brave" to say what I feel deep down on here. That cracks me up, I am alot of things but brave is definately not one of them. I do appreciate the compliment though!
See, I am not brave at all, I am convicted, but not brave! God has decided that I need to be honest about my life, good and bad, because it just might help change someone elses life. Can I just say. God and I don't always see eye to eye but He just doesn't give up!
I did not grow up in church. By the time I was an adult, I didn't even believe in God. Seriously convinced myself that, with all the crap I had been through, there must not be a God. Pretty much lived that lie for about 20 years. Never really gave much thought to it, I didn't ponder creation or existance, didn't really wonder about the miracle of birth or the beauty of a sunset. I just didn't care. I knew there was no God. Couldn't be.
About nine years ago, I went to work for Dr. Stephenson. Oh my goodness, he was always talking about God and his church. He asked me about my faith to which I simply answered "I am spiritual". I didn't think this guy would ever shut up about his God. It was driving me nuts. Then, we would go to the operating rooma nd Dr. Brown was talking about his God. These two were tag teaming me and it was really irritating me at times. I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD!!!! This is what I wanted to scream but just figured it would cause trouble at work and I needed my job. It was my safe place!
Dr. Stephenson never really pushed me, he simply guided me, sometimes stronger than others. He seemed to know when to back off. He would listen to contemporary christian music in the operating room and the strangest thing happened. I found myself humming along. I knew the words to some of the songs. Then I heard "I Can Only Imagine". This was my 'aha' moment. I paid attention to those words and then I started looking for a church. I can't say exactly what it was, my dream voice simply told me to find a family because I was going to need people to lean on and I needed those people to be good, Godly people.
Long story short, I found a church, realized that, for me, church is not just a building I go to on Sunday mornings. Found my sweet hubby, he was the minister at that church. Found a way to begin to be okay with me and my past. Found all of these things through God. That's right, the same God I denied, cursed, hated and completely and totally turned away from. This is the God that was just waiting on me to pay attention so he could bless me more than I ever imagined.
I hope that someone will read my posts, peek into my life and actually understand how bad I screwed up. I hope you see what a disappointment I was, how horrible I was. I hope you see I still screw up every day and, even though, along with being a Jesus follower, I seem to have grown a conscience, I still hurt people, I still do stupid things every day. I don't mean to sometimes and other times, I feel bad after I realize what I have done.
After you see all of my skeletons, when you see all of my scars, I hope you can see how blessed I am. Me, that doesn't deserve half of the blessings I have. Me, the one that screws up every day. What have I ever done to deserve this?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! This is not hard folks. My sweet hubby says it is very simple, but it isn't easy. This is true. Simple and easy are two very different things. In order for something to be easy for me, I have to understand it. I didn't understand God's grace at all. I get that the concept is very simple but it makes no sense.
I had to figure out, in order to extend grace, I had to accept it first. In order to forgive those who had hurt me, I had to forgive myself first. In order to love, I had to learn to be okay with me. There is no way I could do these things on my own. God did this for me, He is still working and I am sure He would appreciate it if I could just get a grip at times. But, like I said earlier, He never gives up.
Brave, not me, I am a littel bonkers. Actually just crazy, that's me!
My prayer today is for the courage to be vulnerable and honest. I pray I can shine God's light so brightly, someone is going to want to know what it is.
See, I am not brave at all, I am convicted, but not brave! God has decided that I need to be honest about my life, good and bad, because it just might help change someone elses life. Can I just say. God and I don't always see eye to eye but He just doesn't give up!
I did not grow up in church. By the time I was an adult, I didn't even believe in God. Seriously convinced myself that, with all the crap I had been through, there must not be a God. Pretty much lived that lie for about 20 years. Never really gave much thought to it, I didn't ponder creation or existance, didn't really wonder about the miracle of birth or the beauty of a sunset. I just didn't care. I knew there was no God. Couldn't be.
About nine years ago, I went to work for Dr. Stephenson. Oh my goodness, he was always talking about God and his church. He asked me about my faith to which I simply answered "I am spiritual". I didn't think this guy would ever shut up about his God. It was driving me nuts. Then, we would go to the operating rooma nd Dr. Brown was talking about his God. These two were tag teaming me and it was really irritating me at times. I DON"T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD!!!! This is what I wanted to scream but just figured it would cause trouble at work and I needed my job. It was my safe place!
Dr. Stephenson never really pushed me, he simply guided me, sometimes stronger than others. He seemed to know when to back off. He would listen to contemporary christian music in the operating room and the strangest thing happened. I found myself humming along. I knew the words to some of the songs. Then I heard "I Can Only Imagine". This was my 'aha' moment. I paid attention to those words and then I started looking for a church. I can't say exactly what it was, my dream voice simply told me to find a family because I was going to need people to lean on and I needed those people to be good, Godly people.
Long story short, I found a church, realized that, for me, church is not just a building I go to on Sunday mornings. Found my sweet hubby, he was the minister at that church. Found a way to begin to be okay with me and my past. Found all of these things through God. That's right, the same God I denied, cursed, hated and completely and totally turned away from. This is the God that was just waiting on me to pay attention so he could bless me more than I ever imagined.
I hope that someone will read my posts, peek into my life and actually understand how bad I screwed up. I hope you see what a disappointment I was, how horrible I was. I hope you see I still screw up every day and, even though, along with being a Jesus follower, I seem to have grown a conscience, I still hurt people, I still do stupid things every day. I don't mean to sometimes and other times, I feel bad after I realize what I have done.
After you see all of my skeletons, when you see all of my scars, I hope you can see how blessed I am. Me, that doesn't deserve half of the blessings I have. Me, the one that screws up every day. What have I ever done to deserve this?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! This is not hard folks. My sweet hubby says it is very simple, but it isn't easy. This is true. Simple and easy are two very different things. In order for something to be easy for me, I have to understand it. I didn't understand God's grace at all. I get that the concept is very simple but it makes no sense.
I had to figure out, in order to extend grace, I had to accept it first. In order to forgive those who had hurt me, I had to forgive myself first. In order to love, I had to learn to be okay with me. There is no way I could do these things on my own. God did this for me, He is still working and I am sure He would appreciate it if I could just get a grip at times. But, like I said earlier, He never gives up.
Brave, not me, I am a littel bonkers. Actually just crazy, that's me!
My prayer today is for the courage to be vulnerable and honest. I pray I can shine God's light so brightly, someone is going to want to know what it is.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Shame, shame, shame
My sweet neice says the difference in guilt and shame is, with guilt, you feel like you have done something wrong. With shame, you feel like you ARE something wrong. To the very core of you, you truly believe there is something horribly wrong about you!
I hate guilt, it keeps me awake at night, affects my appetite, sometimes makes me physically ill. I hate knowing that I have hurt someone, have ruined someones day or have just been a putz about something. I try to come across as this tough as nails, nothing gets under my skin kind of chick. But, guilt, that seriously gets under my skin. I have learned that it is usually pretty easy to deal with guilt, I just have to suck it up and apoligize, from my heart and try to make ammends with the person I have hurt. It seems I always hurt the ones I love. The nice thing about that is, they all know I am a putz, luckily, they all know I can certainly be a dufus and speak before I think. Because they know this, they forgive me, they love me in spite of myself. This is grace, plain and simple.
Shame, now that is something completely different. Shame will make you do some really silly things. You will do just about anything to cover it up, to keep it in the dark. You don't want anyone to know what you are ashamed of. You protect this shameful act with all of your power. If people find out, they will be disappointed. Maybe, they won't love you anymore. You all know this shame I am talking about. Maybe it is the shame of an affair, many years ago, that hurt so many people and you just can't bring yourself to fess up and be honest. Maybe it is the shame of living in an abusive relationship for many years, pretending everything is perfect so nobody realized just how foolish you really are. We all have our own shame. It is certainly not as easy to deal with as guilt, requires so much more than an 'I'm sorry' to get past. Now what? I AM this bad person, what do I do now? Do I only deserve to be with someone that will treat me poorly? Do I deserve to be isolated? Do I deserve hapiness? Do I deserve forgiveness? Seriously, could anyone ever forgive me? Could I even begin to forgive myself? These are questions I think we have all asked ourselves.
I have a 'dream voice'. I know, most people think it is crazy, I think my sweet hubby did too until he started seeing some evidence of these dreamy conversations. It is simply a conversation in my dreams, I am sitting, listening very intently to 'The Voice". This voice gives me good. solid advice and at times, when I am seriously struggling with something, it helps me clear my mind and just think straight. I can't say what "The Voice" is, maybe while I sleep is the only time I allow my brain to slow down and think. Maybe, just maybe, it is the only time I am still and quiet and God is speaking. Whatever it is, it is very appreciated and I have learned that I should probably listen.
Last night, my dream voice spoke and reminded me of how I covered up so much of my shame with the vision of a perfect life, a perfect marriage and perfect kids. Now, everyone knows my life was totally screwed up, that marriage is over and, although they are very close to perfect to me, my kids have a few issues. I was horribly ashamed of the person I had become. I was ashamed of the way I allowed myself to be treated and ashamed of my own poor decisions. I was a victim of my own choices and truly a slave to my shame. I also realized, through my 'Dream Voice' that someone I love is quite possibly going through the same thing right now. He may truly be a slave to his shame.
Do you know someone that may be living this same life, the life of shame? Maybe you are living this hell yourself right now. How do you get out? How do you help someone out? People, let me tell you, the ONLY way to deal with this emotion is with honesty. Brutal, out in the light honesty. It sucks, big time! It is painful and and the memories of what brought our shame are almost overwhelming. At times, you may think there is no hope, there is no way we deserve to be forgiven. Our shame is just too big! Just breathe and get past this, it will happen over and over again. Not really much to look forward to, huh? Nothing worthwhile is easy, or at least that is what my papaw always told me!
We could live in this world of shame, we can live with all of our regrets and we may even be able to find some sort of peace in it all. I personally don't believe this is what God has planned for us. I think we are supposed to confess, we are supposed to forgive, even ourselves at times, and we are supposed to love.
Those that love you will forgive you and they will still love you. They may be hurt but, chances are, they are hurting already, maybe they just don't understand exactily why. Be honest with yourself, with the ones you love and with God. You and God already know what you are ashamed of and you owe it to the ones you love to be allowed to show grace and mercy while they try to understand. This is how healing begins. You can't be a slave to your shame if your are making an effort to heal. This is how you win over shame, step up to the plate and face it, head on. God is standing right next to you and He is so very proud of you!
My prayer today is to be able to show the kind of love that will make people feel comfortable and safe. To show the love of Christ!
I hate guilt, it keeps me awake at night, affects my appetite, sometimes makes me physically ill. I hate knowing that I have hurt someone, have ruined someones day or have just been a putz about something. I try to come across as this tough as nails, nothing gets under my skin kind of chick. But, guilt, that seriously gets under my skin. I have learned that it is usually pretty easy to deal with guilt, I just have to suck it up and apoligize, from my heart and try to make ammends with the person I have hurt. It seems I always hurt the ones I love. The nice thing about that is, they all know I am a putz, luckily, they all know I can certainly be a dufus and speak before I think. Because they know this, they forgive me, they love me in spite of myself. This is grace, plain and simple.
Shame, now that is something completely different. Shame will make you do some really silly things. You will do just about anything to cover it up, to keep it in the dark. You don't want anyone to know what you are ashamed of. You protect this shameful act with all of your power. If people find out, they will be disappointed. Maybe, they won't love you anymore. You all know this shame I am talking about. Maybe it is the shame of an affair, many years ago, that hurt so many people and you just can't bring yourself to fess up and be honest. Maybe it is the shame of living in an abusive relationship for many years, pretending everything is perfect so nobody realized just how foolish you really are. We all have our own shame. It is certainly not as easy to deal with as guilt, requires so much more than an 'I'm sorry' to get past. Now what? I AM this bad person, what do I do now? Do I only deserve to be with someone that will treat me poorly? Do I deserve to be isolated? Do I deserve hapiness? Do I deserve forgiveness? Seriously, could anyone ever forgive me? Could I even begin to forgive myself? These are questions I think we have all asked ourselves.
I have a 'dream voice'. I know, most people think it is crazy, I think my sweet hubby did too until he started seeing some evidence of these dreamy conversations. It is simply a conversation in my dreams, I am sitting, listening very intently to 'The Voice". This voice gives me good. solid advice and at times, when I am seriously struggling with something, it helps me clear my mind and just think straight. I can't say what "The Voice" is, maybe while I sleep is the only time I allow my brain to slow down and think. Maybe, just maybe, it is the only time I am still and quiet and God is speaking. Whatever it is, it is very appreciated and I have learned that I should probably listen.
Last night, my dream voice spoke and reminded me of how I covered up so much of my shame with the vision of a perfect life, a perfect marriage and perfect kids. Now, everyone knows my life was totally screwed up, that marriage is over and, although they are very close to perfect to me, my kids have a few issues. I was horribly ashamed of the person I had become. I was ashamed of the way I allowed myself to be treated and ashamed of my own poor decisions. I was a victim of my own choices and truly a slave to my shame. I also realized, through my 'Dream Voice' that someone I love is quite possibly going through the same thing right now. He may truly be a slave to his shame.
Do you know someone that may be living this same life, the life of shame? Maybe you are living this hell yourself right now. How do you get out? How do you help someone out? People, let me tell you, the ONLY way to deal with this emotion is with honesty. Brutal, out in the light honesty. It sucks, big time! It is painful and and the memories of what brought our shame are almost overwhelming. At times, you may think there is no hope, there is no way we deserve to be forgiven. Our shame is just too big! Just breathe and get past this, it will happen over and over again. Not really much to look forward to, huh? Nothing worthwhile is easy, or at least that is what my papaw always told me!
We could live in this world of shame, we can live with all of our regrets and we may even be able to find some sort of peace in it all. I personally don't believe this is what God has planned for us. I think we are supposed to confess, we are supposed to forgive, even ourselves at times, and we are supposed to love.
Those that love you will forgive you and they will still love you. They may be hurt but, chances are, they are hurting already, maybe they just don't understand exactily why. Be honest with yourself, with the ones you love and with God. You and God already know what you are ashamed of and you owe it to the ones you love to be allowed to show grace and mercy while they try to understand. This is how healing begins. You can't be a slave to your shame if your are making an effort to heal. This is how you win over shame, step up to the plate and face it, head on. God is standing right next to you and He is so very proud of you!
My prayer today is to be able to show the kind of love that will make people feel comfortable and safe. To show the love of Christ!
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